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I live in Western Washington, USA....I have a very good friend who lives in Australia, and she's having a really hard time. My goal is to have enough money to take a trip to Australia! ...But I don't have enough. Right now, I have about $115 in savings for the trip. Donate please? It would make my day- and hers, too.

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Journal History

I'm not joking or playing around. I'm serious. I think something's wrong with me.
I'm always tired, but I can never get to sleep.
I'm always hungry, but I never want to eat.
Whenever I'm in the dark, I see monsters everywhere, but I'm too scared to turn on the lights. Why? Because it will wake up my family.
Whenever I'm in the light, my family is around me, talking and talking and talking but I'm too scared to turn of the lights and go to bed. Why? Because then I'll start seeing monsters.
My brain is running in circles. This is caused by that, which is caused by this, which is caused by that again. I've entered a perpetual state of confusion that I can't seem to shake off, and my mood is getting worse and worse as I start being able to understand less and less. I've starting talking back to my parents and defending myself, which is something I've never done before. I said something to my mom on the cruise ship once that could almost be considered 'mocking'.
Things that used to excite me and make me happy are things that I now just stare at blankly for a while, before putting them down and turning away. I'm losing interest in all the things that used to be my favorites.
Some of you, at least, those who I spoke to about it, might remember that a while ago, I had...day-mares whenever I tried to get to sleep. I'd be lying there, totally awake in my bed, while monsters and demons and horrible things got closer and closer. I thought that I had finally shaken them off, but they're starting to come back, in a slightly different way.
On the night of the 20th, the first night after we got back from vacation, I noticed a large spider on the stairs.
I stayed awake for the entire night because I was afraid that a giant spider monster would come into my room and devour me while I was sleeping.
I...don't know what to do. Like I said, I'm becoming...confused. This is not a state of mind that is normal for me. I'm used to knowing everything about everything. I was always clever, I was always intelligent, I've always been the person who other people came to for help. But now, people will ask me to do one specific thing, and when it hasn't been done after an hour, they'll come back, only to find that I had completely forgotten about it only two minutes after they'd asked me in the first place. I used to be on top of everything.
I want to do something, I want to talk to my family about it, I want to be reminded that they still love me. But if I tell them about this, they'll think it is my own fault. They'll say it's a phase, or that I'm only trying to get attention. And they might be right. But I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore- I've found myself questioning everything.
I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I'm confused, and I just want to now what's wrong with me. I want to know again. I used to know things, good things, important things, and now I don't. Everything is foggy; there's always something slightly off with everything I do. I'll put the horses back in the barn, but I'll forget to give them hay. I'll continue reading a book from before, but I'll pick up in a different place than where I left off. I'll give somebody a kind, enthusiastic greeting, and then turn and walk away before they can respond.
I don't mean to do things, they just happen. But nobody else understands that. They think I do things on purpose. They think I'm negligent, non-caring, and rude. It hurts more than I let show. People never used to say things like that about me. Now I'm being dragged into the family room every other week by my dad, where he proceeds to give a talk on how I need to be more responsible.
I want to tell them. I just want...I just want somebody to show me that it's okay, and that there's nothing wrong with me. I know it sounds selfish, but I want to know that there are people out there who care about me, and people who don't take me at face value. People who know what it's like to put up a façade, praying every day that somebody will see past it, that somebody will notice. People who have never gotten the lucky break that they've been waiting for their entire life.
I just want to find somebody who really cares.
Is that too much to ask? It probably is. God knows I haven't done much stuff for anyone else in my life.
I'm getting sidetracked. I can't even stay focused on a single topic for the length of one journal entry. What was I even talking about? I'm probably going to regret this. I regret a lot of things that I say. I've noticed that lately.
Anyways, I'm not going anywhere, so I don't know. If you have words of reassurance, I must ask that you save them. Any words I see here are nothing more than light reflecting off of some little squares. So yeah. See you later, I guess.
  • Mood: Isolated

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AmberCatProductions
AmberCatProductions
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
We are not Trophies stamp by AzureHowlShilach Habitat Conservation Stamp by PixieSabre Feral Cat Support and Awarenes by psychotara .: Read the comments :. Stamp by Beti-Kot
pluto:STAMP: by XxdarknayruxX Ctrl Z Stamp by Drake1 Wishful Thinking by whispwill Glomp by Jenya88
Extinction Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Jellyfish Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Sun Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Maturity Stamp by bigfunkychiken
Love to read by Claire-stamps ..Ever Wonder.. Stamp by SailorSolar Books Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Pyjama Days Stamp by Kezzi-Rose
Jump In Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Eevee Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Birds Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Pegasister Stamp by Kezzi-Rose
Ramen Love Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Tea Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Goatbusters Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Crayon Stamp by Kezzi-Rose
Professional Stamp by saporion Tea and Book Days Stamp by Kezzi-Rose Autumn Stamp by Kezzi-Rose What We Can and Can't Change Stamp by el-Jimmeister
Suicide Isn't Cowardly by el-Jimmeister fictional characters stamp by ohhperttylights . i P r o c r a s t i n a t e by mistandsparkles Shower by MaruLovesStamps
Always Tired Stamp by gutter-child im someone who can stamp by ohhperttylights Brilliant But Lazy Stamp by Spikytastic I Forget to Eat Stamp by Spikytastic
Did You Know? by Dark-Yarrow L, did you know shinigami really love apples? by may-28th-1968 Near Death Note Stamp by Neyjour L, rest in peace by Keyblade-Wielder


My adoptables account: :iconamber-adoptions:

HALL OF FAME (WIP):
:icongaiaxygazlng:- We've gone through a lot together. Let me just start out by saying that. I'd like to thank you for being possibly the only other girl in the troop with common sense (even though you did walk across the pond on that log with the others!). Thank you for having such amazing art, and for making me strive to be just as good as you. If it hadn't been for you, I would never have taken up art at all. Thank you for not criticizing my drawings on those Christmas cards, even though you could tell that they were horrible. And most of all, thank you for always being there, even though you live miles and miles away <3
:iconflurrythekitty15:- What can somebody say about their first friend? Because that's what you are- you were my first friend on deviantART.
:icontabbypaw1:-
:iconwaterpelt99:-
:iconsky-lily:-
:iconjyiukiuo7:-
:iconjclay251:-
:iconepickitten202:-
:iconskywillowoftfm:-
:iconoocometheartoo:-

IDOLS:
:iconjb-pawstep: :iconwolfpelt102: :iconicavalia: :icontabbypaw1:
dA FAMILY:
Sister- oOCometheartOo
Long-Lost Identical Twin Sister- SkywillowOfTFM
Interests

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Commissions

Reference Sheet
Design Contest Entry by AmberCatProductions
Contest Entry- 2 by AmberCatProductions
A reference sheet for your character. Automatically includes:
Left side view
Misc. information (Name, Gender, Species, etc.)
Color chart
Accessories table
Pay extra for:
Right side view (15 points)
Face view (10 points)
Paws (5 points)
Eye close-up (See second example; 5 points)
Additional information (10 points)
Everything But the Kitchen Sink
More Than Just Cyberfriends by AmberCatProductions
Flametail's Death by AmberCatProductions
Nightmares (+ Speedpaint) by AmberCatProductions
A picture with one to six characters that mashes everything together to just make an all-out, no-skimping-on-the-cream-sauce piece of art- good shading, backgrounds, themes, mood, anatomy, setup, lighting, effects, etc.
Shaded Complex Scene
The Floods by AmberCatProductions
Bluestar's Death by AmberCatProductions
Applehawk Roleplay Scene- Night Searching by AmberCatProductions
A shaded scene that has one to four characters, with a more complex shading style or background.
Flat Complex Scene
Quiet Like The Snow by AmberCatProductions
A Quick Getaway by AmberCatProductions
-I Will See You Again- by AmberCatProductions
A flat scene with one to four characters with a more complex style or background.
***Note: Flat means that the characters are flat. The background might have some shading in it.
Shaded Scene
.:Do The Right Thing:. by AmberCatProductions
Ivypool by AmberCatProductions
.:You and I:. by AmberCatProductions
A shaded scene with one to three characters and a fairly simple background.
Flat Scene
Spirit's Death by AmberCatProductions
Bad Apple MAP Part 22 by AmberCatProductions
These things are huge (GA) by AmberCatProductions
A flat scene with one to three characters and a relatively simple background.
Shaded Full-Body
Bluestar by AmberCatProductions
Firestarscourge by AmberCatProductions
Jayfeather by AmberCatProductions
A full-body drawing of the character with shading. The background is mainly one color, but is likely to be slightly more complicated/have a pattern (eg. zigzagging lines, polka dots)
Flat Full-body
Hollyleaf by AmberCatProductions
A flat full-body drawing of the character, with a solid-color background. (There will be a more recent example in a probably a day or so ^^" That one is super old.)

Comments


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:iconepickitten202:
EpicKitten202 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This Is for u (Smile) Read till the end it's adorable! I sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back and I asked,"why?"...​The angel said,"angels don't watch over angels!" Twenty angels are in your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine of them are playing and one is reading this message. God has seen you struggling with some things and god says its over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in god send this to 14 friends including me, if I don't get it back I guess I'm not one of them. As soon as you get 5 replies, someone you love will quietly surprise you... Not joking. Pass this message on. Please don't ignore it. You are being tested and god is going to fix two big things tonight in your favor. If you believe in god drop everything and pass it on TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. DON'T BREAK THIS. SEND THIS TO 14 FRIENDS IN 10 MINUTES IT'S NOT THAT HARD. WHOEVER SENT THIS TO YOU MUST CARE

hey amber
you don't have to repost
:P
Reply
:iconthunder-wheatley:
Thunder-Wheatley Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
SORRY, BUT I'M DELETING YOU FROM MY LIFE! *clicks delete*
LOADING... ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓ 99%................................ ERROR! It is impossible to delete our friendship. You mean so much to me!
[Post this to 10 people's walls who you never want to lose. If you get 3 back, you're an amazing friend!]
Reply
:icontabbypaw1:
Tabbypaw1 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
HI HELLO YOUR GREAT AHHh 
Reply
:iconambercatproductions:
AmberCatProductions Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
NONONO YOU ARE
Reply
:icontabbypaw1:
Tabbypaw1 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
NOPE YOU ARE WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS ARGUMENT AGAIN 
Reply
:iconambercatproductions:
AmberCatProductions Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
NO YOU'RE MORE AMAZING AND GREAT THAN ME BY FAR AND YES WE ARE
Reply
(2 Replies)
:iconjclay251:
Jclay251 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2014   Digital Artist
so I was thinking
and imagine if Snowbreeze and Stormclaw had a little affair on a journey
like
you know how a cat can have multiple fathers??? imagine if that's what happened to cloudkit/fall
just a random though cx
Reply
:iconambercatproductions:
AmberCatProductions Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
wait I'm confused
I don't know how a cat can have multiple fathers xD
Reply
:iconjclay251:
Jclay251 Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014   Digital Artist
apparently cats can have multiple fathers or something
look it up xD
I ALMOST SAID FLOWERSSss
Reply
:iconambercatproductions:
AmberCatProductions Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Huh, sure enough!
*gasp*
THAT'S WHY CLOUDPAW AND COALPAW LOOK SO DIFFERENT
OMG
Reply
(1 Reply)
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