I'm not joking or playing around. I'm serious. I think something's wrong with me.
I'm always tired, but I can never get to sleep.
I'm always hungry, but I never want to eat.
Whenever I'm in the dark, I see monsters everywhere, but I'm too scared to turn on the lights. Why? Because it will wake up my family.
Whenever I'm in the light, my family is around me, talking and talking and talking but I'm too scared to turn of the lights and go to bed. Why? Because then I'll start seeing monsters.
My brain is running in circles. This is caused by that, which is caused by this, which is caused by that again. I've entered a perpetual state of confusion that I can't seem to shake off, and my mood is getting worse and worse as I start being able to understand less and less. I've starting talking back to my parents and defending myself, which is something I've never done before. I said something to my mom on the cruise ship once that could almost be considered 'mocking'.
Things that used to excite me and make me happy are things that I now just stare at blankly for a while, before putting them down and turning away. I'm losing interest in all the things that used to be my favorites.
Some of you, at least, those who I spoke to about it, might remember that a while ago, I had...day-mares whenever I tried to get to sleep. I'd be lying there, totally awake in my bed, while monsters and demons and horrible things got closer and closer. I thought that I had finally shaken them off, but they're starting to come back, in a slightly different way.
On the night of the 20th, the first night after we got back from vacation, I noticed a large spider on the stairs.
I stayed awake for the entire night because I was afraid that a giant spider monster would come into my room and devour me while I was sleeping.
I...don't know what to do. Like I said, I'm becoming...confused. This is not a state of mind that is normal for me. I'm used to knowing everything about everything. I was always clever, I was always intelligent, I've always been the person who other people came to for help. But now, people will ask me to do one specific thing, and when it hasn't been done after an hour, they'll come back, only to find that I had completely forgotten about it only two minutes after they'd asked me in the first place. I used to be on top of everything.
I want to do something, I want to talk to my family about it, I want to be reminded that they still love me. But if I tell them about this, they'll think it is my own fault. They'll say it's a phase, or that I'm only trying to get attention. And they might be right. But I don't know. I'm not sure about anything anymore- I've found myself questioning everything.
I'm scared, and I'm lonely, and I'm confused, and I just want to now what's wrong with me. I want to know again. I used to know things, good things, important things, and now I don't. Everything is foggy; there's always something slightly off with everything I do. I'll put the horses back in the barn, but I'll forget to give them hay. I'll continue reading a book from before, but I'll pick up in a different place than where I left off. I'll give somebody a kind, enthusiastic greeting, and then turn and walk away before they can respond.
I don't mean to do things, they just happen. But nobody else understands that. They think I do things on purpose. They think I'm negligent, non-caring, and rude. It hurts more than I let show. People never used to say things like that about me. Now I'm being dragged into the family room every other week by my dad, where he proceeds to give a talk on how I need to be more responsible.
I want to tell them. I just want...I just want somebody to show me that it's okay, and that there's nothing wrong with me. I know it sounds selfish, but I want to know that there are people out there who care about me, and people who don't take me at face value. People who know what it's like to put up a façade, praying every day that somebody will see past it, that somebody will notice. People who have never gotten the lucky break that they've been waiting for their entire life.
I just want to find somebody who really cares.
Is that too much to ask? It probably is. God knows I haven't done much stuff for anyone else in my life.
I'm getting sidetracked. I can't even stay focused on a single topic for the length of one journal entry. What was I even talking about? I'm probably going to regret this. I regret a lot of things that I say. I've noticed that lately.
Anyways, I'm not going anywhere, so I don't know. If you have words of reassurance, I must ask that you save them. Any words I see here are nothing more than light reflecting off of some little squares. So yeah. See you later, I guess.